What?

So I’m glad to be back and I’ve been having fun with my friends and such but today was a shit show. I’m left with too many questions for my mind to handle. What’s going on? I have no idea and that scares me.

Peaks

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About a week ago I had reached the peak or maybe a better word would be downfall of this study abroad. Just like reaching the peak of a mountain, this trip brought me to the peak. Let me explain. I’ve hiked plenty of mountains and the end goal is always to get to the top and then you’re basically done. This trip has been like a mountain I had to climb and I reached the peak because I’m mentally and emotionally done with this trip. I’ve reached my peak, I’ve seen the view and now I feel done and I want to leave. Getting down a mountain takes awhile though and I’ve got a few weeks left in Madrid. So I’m slowly climbing down and eventually I’ll be where I started, back at home. I’ll look back on this trip as a mountain. I chose to hike and I may have complained a lot through the long trek but at least I made some friends who reminded me to enjoy the view once in awhile. For them I am grateful.

Stress

Being in Spain has put a lot of stress on me. I’ve never been much of a city person because it is stressful. One reason why it’s stressful is the money factor, everything is so expensive. Having to deal with currency conversion has really emptied my bank account. Another factor is the lack of things to do, yes there are museums and parks but for one thing museums bore me and parks have ceased to amaze me. Third reason, I’m living with a host family and not in my own apartment and there are a bunch of things that annoy me with that situation. For example, I basically can’t do anything here, can’t cook, can’t wash my clothes, can’t shower more than 10 mins(I went from showering everyday to showering once every three days), I’m free but not completely. I also have other students staying with me which I don’t like because every time I want to use the shower they grab it before me. The neighbors above have this annoying child that always has tantrums and I’m not a children kind of person( they are not my cup of tea). Fourth reason, relates to the first reason, without money you are stuck. Stuck in the city with nothing to do. Final reason (so I can end my rant), Spanish night life. I’m sorry I don’t find drinking to be a fun activity and clubbing is worse. Hanging out in bars is all there is to do at night and I’m sick of it. After the bars close(at 2am), people hop on over to the clubs (getting home at 7am). I’ve yet to discover the rational to why that is fun.

Broken

I’ve been beaten up inside

Where are you?

Trying to not think

about what is true.

I’m not sure

if we fit right.

The truth

gets us to fight.

You say you care.

But I’m alone,

you’re not there.

Countries apart

and we don’t talk.

This isn’t right

I need to walk.

I’d rather feel alone

all by myself

than feel alone

when I’m with you.

Where are you

So being in a different country, far away from friends and family, is sometimes difficult. Something that is really emotionally draining is talking to someone that isn’t always there. I’m not talking about the deceased or anything along those lines. I’m talking about wanting to talk to someone who doesn’t always answer. It’s difficult trying to have a conversation with someone that doesn’t like to talk. I understand people that don’t really like texting or messaging but when you are far away from people that tends to be the only form of communication. I will continue to question why I still give this person my time of day when they are never there when I need them most. There is a lot of different emotions I’m going through and not being able to talk about them to one of the people I’m closest to hurts me even more. Maybe I just don’t understand. There’s so many people that are willing to be there for me but I can’t let go. I just like someone to talk to, to tell them all my hopes and dreams or just how my day went. I make reasons to keep myself from true happiness because there are moment when I am happy around them. This may make no sense to you but it’s just something that eats me alive sometimes. A puzzle I just cannot solve, I have the right pieces but not the picture.

Beauty

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There are so many things I could say about how everyone is beautiful in their own way and how personality is part of beauty as well(ugly personality=ugly person). Try not to judge people too much on their appearance because you might miss out on their real beauty. My friends are my friends because they are kind, genuine people not because they have a nice appearance. All my friends are beautiful, inside and out. You are beautiful too, darling!

Something

There’s something inside of me that makes me the way I am. I’m very stoic, as some people would say. A lot of times I chose others’ happiness over my own because I feel happy when others are happy. I’m not the best at expressing my emotions, it’s difficult for me to be open towards people. I cannot cry in front of anyone, not even family. Sometimes that makes me feel broken, like there’s something wrong with me. The reason I don’t talk is probably because I don’t want to be analyzed, I don’t want other people telling me that I’m not ok. I hate it when people ask me if I’m alright. I know that’s just people caring about me but if you know me well enough you’d already know my mental state without asking. Too many things on my mind for me to function right now.